In A Game Where You Can Date Everything, Fans Are Shocked By The One Exception

Date Everything’s title is not an exaggeration. The game features over 100 dateable characters, ranging from household objects to concepts like “rejection” and “existential dread” to a ghost inhabiting the attic. Players can date Date Everything’s textbox, the incarnation of its Lavish Edition DLC, and even the developers in a mini-game hosted by Sassy Chap Games’ mascot. However, players were shocked to discover that there is one presence in the game who cannot be dated and will, in fact, explicitly turn down the player if asked.

Date Everything Review: I Kissed a Towel and I Liked It

While it may look goofy at first glance, Date Everything is a lengthy feel-good dating sim with plenty of heart, soul, and furniture puns.

Date Everything’s Narrator Says Thanks, But No Thanks

The player’s adventures with Date Everything’s various Dateables are narrated by a smooth-voiced, nameless being voiced by JB Blanc, an actor and director known for roles in Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, and various games, including Mortal Kombat 11, The Elder Scrolls Online, and multiple Lego titles. Blanc’s Narrator is far from a blank slate, frequently dryly commenting about just how bizarre the player’s interactions with the Dateables are. His snark, wit, and smooth voice quickly made the Narrator quite popular among Date Everything fans.

With many secret characters, such as Textbox-chan, Lucinda Lavish, and, of course, the Sassy Chap, it was not outside the realm of possibility that the Narrator would turn out to be a secret Dateable. And indeed, players can attempt to date the narrator by activating the Dateviators while standing at the front door listening to the Narrator’s narration about leaving the house. However, unlike the 100+ other Dateables in the house, the Narrator simply isn’t interested – because, as it turns out, he’s not an object or concept, but a working actor.

Indeed, in a hilarious twist, Date Everything’s narrator reveals that he is JB Blanc himself, and that he has no interest in dating the player. He describes himself as “single by choice” and explains that dating in Los Angeles, where he lives, is a difficult proposition. Blanc then calls the player “f-ing nuts” for playing the game and admits that he had no idea what he was getting into when he auditioned for what Ray Chase, Robbie Daymond, and the Sassy Chap team initially called “Project Miranda.”

The Player Can Get A Described “Date,” But No Official Ending

If the player continues to insist, he will agree to describe a hypothetical date with him. Depending on the player’s choices, the date can even be extremely sensual, with JB Blanc smoothly describing how he “leaves [the player] satisfied on a level [they’ve] never experienced.” The player can either play along with Blanc’s description, agreeing with everything he says, or insisting “that’s not how things went down,” prompting further snarky interjections from the opinionated Narrator.

Regardless of whether the player goes along with the Narrator’s “date,” they do not receive a Love, Friendship, or Hate ending with the character. The Narrator has no entry in the Date-a-Dex, and the player gains no SPECS points for successfully dating him, unlike the many other secret characters in the game.

The Narrator’s arc is a brilliant subversion of Date Everything’s formula, the sole exception to the all-encompassing title’s cast of gorgeous humanoid objects and concepts. Technically, he’s not the only character in the game players can’t date – there’s no romancing David Most, the antagonistic Valdivian CEO, former manager Tom, or the hacker TinfoilHat – but he’s the only one who turns them down so bluntly. The player’s insistence that he must be a secret character, the shocking reveal of his identity as JB Blanc, and the hilarity of the described “date” combine to create one of the funniest moments in a game already filled with humor.